I’m an emotional person who thinks mostly with my heart. I try to consider my head, and sometimes listen, but probably only 30% of the time. This has lead to some great adventures and experiences. I’m grateful every day for them and am happy I’ve let my adventurous, feeling heart lead most of my life.
But sometimes I let it get the best of me and sometimes let my emotions carry me too far. Often I realize this, but always after the fact and when damage has been done. I always wish I would have stopped for 5 more seconds and thought not just about my feelings and what my heart is feeling, but others. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my pain I don’t recognize others. Sometimes I let my emotions win and end up damaging myself and others even more. I then end up with much guilt, regret and fear. Fear I’ll never be able to fix what happened. This is hard to deal with when you’re Little Miss Fix It. It’s not my nature to not try and fix things, put out fires, console and reconcile.
And then (again, I should know better), I go into hyper-drive trying to resolve the issue. Nothing worries me more than an unresolved issue between me and someone I care about. Often push too hard when I should wait and let the other party come around in their own time. I know (in my head) that if I push too much I can push them away, but my heart wants it so bad it often cave to temptation. Waiting when things are rough is the hardest thing in the world for me. I think about it 24/7 no matter how much I try to distract myself.
I need to learn to let go. I need to learn to wait. I need to learn to be 50/50 instead of 70/30. Relationships are hard and messy, no matter if they are with family, friends, co-worker or a significant other. But they are also wonderful, fulfilling and even with their downs I would never trade them in. The ups are too amazing to give up. They are too fantastic to not try an better myself to realize my faults and work on them. It won’t happen overnight, but maybe if I try really hard tomorrow I’ll be 69/31.
