Three years ago I wrote the below post in response to some verbal abuse and bullying I endured.   While that’s been long over, lately I’ve been really down on myself.  Rejection is the hardest weight for me to bear and it’s been a daily struggle to not think poorly of myself.  So I thought it would be good to re-post it as a reminder to myself to concentrate on what I, the whole package, have to offer the world that no one else can (and add a few more items to the list for good measure).

- I’m an excellent cook and baker

- I’m always there with an ear to listen, no matter what time it may be

- I volunteer to socialize kitties looking for a forever home

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This Is What Matters (2008)
I don’t focus much on my appearance. Ok, except loving the fact I’m a red head (haha), I was always taught it doesn’t matter how tall, short, skinny, fat, what religion you practice or where you grew up. So I focus on the inside, not the out.

But not everyone feel this way. But instead of being down, it’s best to look inside you and realize why you as an individual are amazing. So excuse my while I brag for a moment, but here is a list of a few accomplishments, what makes me unique and special:

-I have a family and friends that love me and support me unconditionally

-I am highly intelligent and well spoken

-I got into every undergrad, graduate and law school I applied to (world ranked)

-I have been interviewed by everyone from the CBC to TV Guide

-I am the youngest person in history to hold my old position at my old Capitol Hill agency

-I followed my dream to work in entertainment and not only have a kickass job, but have worked, meet and am friends with people I only dreamed of

-I am a classically trained vocalist

-I have two letters of commendation from the US Navy for my civilian work

-I tutor kids after school

- I moved 3,000 miles across country alone because I wanted to

-I’m funny and don’t mind being the brunt of the joke

-I make friends with people from all backgrounds

-I stand up and fight for what’s right

-I will always try new things

So next time some small minded individual tells you you aren’t good enough, I urge everyone to remember ALL the amazing things about themselves. Besides, if everyone was the same this world would be a very boring place.

For 15 years I was a State Farm customer.  Ever since I was 16.  My family has been with them 30+ years.  In my hometown of Frederick, MD we had an amazing agent – Jay Forney.  I will still sing his praises today, so if anyone is in the Frederick area you can’t go wrong with Jay.  But sadly, when I moved out of state for college and then eventually to California, I had to change agents.  Bye-bye Jay.  Hello hell.

It’s was tolerable for awhile.  Until I was in a minor fender bender with another vehicle also insured by State Farm.  The accident was found to be the other drivers fault (he backed into me) and should have in theory been an easy claim.

Or worse experience of my life.

First, I was told to hold off filing my claim, to wait for the other party to file a claim so I could file under theirs and not worry about being reimbursed for my deductible and rental car.  So I waited.  And waited.  Finally I was able to file a claim and take my car in to a claim inspector and body shop.  I was told I could take it to L Lafrano and Sons and inspector Joe would take care of me.  Joe was incredibly difficult to work with, refused to do the body work until the mechanical work was done elsewhere and then chastised me for not bring my car in sooner, even though I had been instructed by a claim worker otherwise.  When I called to complain he tried to cover his ass saying the car was undriveable and he was afraid they would damage it more.  Funny, he never said any of that to me.  And if the car was undriveable how did I get it to my mechanic?  If I had been told that I would have had it towed from the body shop!  Then I find out that since I left the body shop I am going to be mailed a check for the estimate and that’s all I get.  So if it costs more, well I’m outta luck and stuck footing the rest of the bill.  I called and spoke to 6 different claims adjusters throughout the day and 3 supervisors and none could 1) fix my claim 2) apologize for all the misinformation I had been told over the months waiting to get my car fixed (except one – Jack)  and 3) try and satisfy a 15 year customer.  I was furious not so much that human error occurred, but that no one in the company could find a way to try to right the wrong and satisfy me.  In this day and age not many businesses have customers that stick around that long.  No matter who I called, no one could do anything.  I find that hard to believe.  It was they simply didn’t feel like it.  But luckily in this day and age I have choices.  So I chose to leave.

After some research I decided to go with USAA.  Now, it might still be the honeymoon phase but I’ve never done anything as easy as getting a policy with them.  It’s been a breeze and I have better coverage (I’m paranoid, I over insure so this feat seemed impossible at first) for a fraction of the price as well.  I plan on switching to my banking with them as well.

I hope the CEO of State Farm sees this.  I doubt he will, but he needs to learn that just because State Farm is a big company it doesn’t excuse shoddy treatment of paying customers.  And if you piss off enough customers you’ll see a hit.  It’s happened to plenty of big companies.  If someone had taken 5 minuets to placate me you would have saved yourself a customer.  But I wasn’t important enough to be bothered with.  It’s clearly my gain in the end, USAA has a great reputation and the money I’m saving will best be served elsewhere.

So thanks USAA for recognizing a valuable potential customer.  You were such a dream to work with you are getting even more business from me.  So take note State Farm, THAT is how you run a business.

I’m an emotional person who thinks mostly with my heart.  I try to consider my head, and sometimes listen, but probably only 30% of the time.  This has lead to some great adventures and experiences.  I’m grateful every day for them and am happy I’ve let my adventurous, feeling heart lead most of my life.

But sometimes I let it get the best of me and sometimes let my emotions carry me too far.  Often I realize this, but always after the fact and when damage has been done.  I always wish I would have stopped for 5 more seconds and thought not just about my feelings and what my heart is feeling, but others.  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my pain I don’t recognize others.  Sometimes I let my emotions win and end up damaging myself and others even more.  I then end up with much guilt, regret and fear.  Fear I’ll never be able to fix what happened.  This is hard to deal with when you’re Little Miss Fix It.  It’s not my nature to not try and fix things, put out fires, console and reconcile.

And then (again, I should know better), I go into hyper-drive trying to resolve the issue.  Nothing worries me more than an unresolved issue between me and someone I care about.  Often push too hard when I should wait and let the other party come around in their own time.   I know (in my head) that if I push too much I can push them away, but my heart wants it so bad it often cave to temptation.   Waiting when things are rough is the hardest thing in the world for me.  I think about it 24/7 no matter how much I try to distract myself.

I need to learn to let go.  I need to learn to wait.  I need to learn to be 50/50 instead of 70/30.  Relationships are hard and messy, no matter if they are with family, friends, co-worker or a significant other.  But they are also wonderful, fulfilling and even with their downs I would never trade them in.  The ups are too amazing to give up.  They are too fantastic to not try an better myself to realize my faults and work on them.  It won’t happen overnight, but maybe if I try really hard tomorrow I’ll be 69/31.

Tonight I made Sweet Potato Burritos. First let me say that this took way longer to make than I expected. And while it was good, I’ll never again make this on a week day.

Recipe:

1 tablespoon vegetable oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
15 oz (1 can) canned kidney beans, drained
1 cup water
1.5 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons prepared mustard
1.5 tablespoons soy sauce
1 cooked and mashed sweet potatoe
Flour tortillas
Shredded Cheddar cheese

Heat oven to 450 degrees and cook sweet potato for 90 minutes, or until soft.  While that is cooking you can prepare the rest of the burrito mix.

Pour oil into pan and saute the chopped garlic.  Add kidney beans and mash.  Slowly add in water, letting the mixture thicken over heat.  Add chili powder, mustard and soy sauce.  Once sweet potato is cooked, remove and set oven to 350 degrees.  Skin sweet potato and mash into the mixture.  Then divide mixture evenly amongst the flour tortillas, top with cheese and roll (Clearly my rolling execution needs work.  In case you can’t tell, I’ve never made a burrito before).  Bake at 350 degrees for 12 minutes.  Serve with sour cream on the side. 

It might not look too appealing thanks to the kidney bean and sweet potato mix, but don’t let it fool you.  The kick from the chili pepper and the sweet from the sweet potato work together quite nicely.  Great meal to change things up a bit.

The countdown has begun.  For the entire month of October I will be a vegetarian.  Tonight I cooked one of my favorite dishes – Stuffed Bell Peppers.  I changed the recipe quite a bit though from my usual one.

Recipe:

• Two Bell Peppers (I choose green)
• One cup of brown rice
• One cup of quinoa (I couldn’t find quinoa on its own so I bought a mix pack from Safeway. Oh well)
• Two tablespoons of Lemon juice
• Four stalks of asparagus
• One teaspoon of oregano
• A dash of coarse black pepper

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Chop the asparagus and mix in with the  cooked rice, cooked quinoa, lemon juice, oregano and pepper.  Mix well.  Cut off the bell pepper caps, scrape insides out and stuff the mixture into the peppers.  Place on a baking pan and cook for 20 minutes.  For some more color and to add more to my meal, I had peaches on the side.  Oh, and some malbec!

I definitely prefer my other recipe (with savory ground meat) but this was pretty good and had a good kick thanks to the lemon juice.  You can add any vegetables you wish to the stuffing to, so it’s very easy to change up or customize for picky eaters.

A few weeks back C told me he was going to go vegetarian during the week for the month of October and asked if I wanted to do it with him.  Sure, why not says I, thinking it’ll be pretty simple as back in the day I was once a veggie (just for a year in college).  But then he changed the rules.  Vegetarian for the WHOLE month.  I still agree to participate, but I admit, giving up seafood for 31 days might not be pretty.  Thank god Old Bay can be used on anything.

I thought it might be fun to document some of my cooking dishes for the next month here.  I can’t guarantee to blog nightly, but I will try to keep it up as much as my work schedule allows.

Since today is a lazy Sunday I’ll probably do two posts.  For lunch I’m cooking up something VERY yummy – Italian Baked Tomatoes.

Recipe:

• One large tomato, cut into wedges about 1/4 inch thick
• Mozzarella cheese
• Italian style bread crumbs
• One clove of garlic, chopped
• Dried oregano
• Salt
• Pepper
• Fresh parsley
• Olive oil (I used garlic olive oil to add a bit more kick)

Simply place the cut tomatoes on a baking sheet and preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  Cover with the mozzarella cheese, bread crumbs, chopped garlic and sprinkle on some oregano, a touch or salt and pepper, parsley and drizzle with olive oil.  Bake for 20 minutes and you’re good to go!  Great quick lunch or snack.

The past few weeks (maybe even months) has been a time of deep thought.  I’ve had (and still have) some big decisions to make.  And for the first time I’ve really been faced with issues and happenings of the past seriously influencing my thoughts and decisions.  Yes, this should always be the case, but for me, personally, it’s always been in small, minor ways.  One issue that was holding me back was because I never got the closure I needed three years ago.

Today, I finally got it.

Mostly.

I received a very interesting phone call that finally let me address a deep hurt from a previous relationship that has lasted on my heart for far too long.  (Actually, it took 25 attempts over 12 hours before I finally picked up.)  I was 99% over it, but some scars will always remain and have been “baggage” for relationships after.  Yes, we might all have baggage, but I’ve never been one to let it have ill effects.  But this time, try as hard as I might not to, it did.  Now, I feel it can finally be a closed chapter in my life.  By confronting it I finally feel my fear of being lied to, used and abandoned can be thrown away.  I had some perceptions confirmed and was able to vocalize my pain.  I feel empowered for finally getting to confront what he did to me.  I might not have gotten an apology, but feel relieved to realize how far I came in overcoming the pain on my own and now let it go 100% as opposed to the 99% it had been.

He’ll always be a coward.  He hasn’t changed at all in three years.  But I have.  And I am so glad to be where I am now and be here without him.  I deserved better.  And after a few years of self discovery, now I know what I deserve and know not to settle or let someone hurt me like that again.  And while it was tempting for some time, I never succumbed to the desire for revenge.  And I am so glad I never went down that dark road either.

But there still is a long line of people who want to kick his ass

How many times have you heard (or even said yourself) about a decision “Make a list of all the pros and cons”?  Probably a lot.  But how many people have ever really done it?  I sure as hell haven’t.  Maybe I’m in the minority here, but it always seemed like it was no way to solve a problem, come to a decision, etc.  I mean, could a piece of paper really help? I’ve just always relied on my own gut, heart (ok, sometimes my head, but not as often as I probably should) and used a select group of friends and family as a sounding board.  But what do you do when all of that fails you for the first time?

Apparently, that is indeed when you turn to making a list.

But herein lies the problem with making a pros and cons list, at least when you are as emotionally and logically at odds like I always am.  Your list breaks off into sub-lists.  And then sub-sub-lists.  And lets face it, at the rate I’m going, a sub-sub-sub list.  It looks like a weird diagrammed sentence or odd family tree.  And then at the end, you’re wondering how the hell is this helpful?  I should have stuck with my gut instinct not to make the cliche “list” and continued to toil in agony and saved a forest.

So will the list reign supreme in the end?  We’ll see.  I’ll probably end up making a list regarding the validity of using said list(s) to aid my decision making process.

And so the loop continues………

A recent decision isn’t sitting well with me at the moment.  No, it wasn’t the decision to quit my job, that I still feel great about.  It was clearly the right decision.  I’m not sure if my unease is due to nerves, stress or just my gut trying to tell me something.  I’ve been agonizing over it for a little bit now and am not sure if my concentration on the problem is leading me towards a solution or just intensifying the issue at hand.   I always try to resolve things quickly, so when things don’t get resolved in my own timing it just compounds on my frustration and confusion.  I’m overall a very patient person, but this is really teaching me a lesson to be patient in everything.  All I can do is keep searching for a solution and reassure myself that whatever the future holds, it’s meant to be.

Que sera, sera.

As some of you know, I’ve not been happy with my job.  A mix between “Swimming with Sharks” and “9 to 5″, I found myself miserable.  Life is not supposed to be spent being miserable, but happy.  I have worked very hard over my 10 year career and look back fondly on it and want to continue doing so.  So I did what many people would call crazy, foolish and idiotic.

I quit.

I’m lucky to be in a position where I know I’ll soon move on to a place that will fulfill me and let me continue to be a smart, hardworking, creative employee and be appreciated for my contributions.   But one thing I’ve learned over life is to go with your instincts.  And my instincts said taking this chance was in my best interest.  I’ll be far happier in my next job the less burnt out and bitter I am.   So I’m going to renew myself and be sure to find a healthy working environment, and a place where I can be a successful employee for years to come.  I’m excited for the next chapter of my career, I know it’s going to be the best yet.

I can feel it.